


to join in that number

by MeansToOffend (goodmorning)



Series: Pick Me Up (Again) [15]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: 2017-2018 NHL Season, M/M, Sort Of, St. Louis Blues, being gay vs being russian, hockey will do that, the usual stunted emotional growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24239932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorning/pseuds/MeansToOffend
Summary: "Andrei tells him that Russia is the place for him, but he only knows about hockey, and sometimes, it seems to Vova, not even that.Being gay in Russia gives him a poker face and a strong backbone, his mother's worry and a strong desire to leave this place too small to fit the man he might become."
Relationships: Colton Parayko/Vladimir Tarasenko
Series: Pick Me Up (Again) [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1180688
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	to join in that number

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sugar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14278047) by [MeansToOffend (goodmorning)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorning/pseuds/MeansToOffend). 



Vova grows up in a hockey family. His father plays right wing in the Soviet Championship League, which becomes the International Hockey League, which becomes the Superleague by the time he retires. This has two outcomes: first, that they lead a strange nomadic existence, traveling wherever the contracts take them; second, that he himself plays right wing, determined to make his father proud.

He’s 11 and they’re living in Novosibirsk when his teammates start noticing girls. He’s 13 and his father’s gone to Satpaev when he realizes he’ll never be interested. He’s 16 and playing on his first pro contract when he figures out exactly what that means.

He’s 17 and playing for the team his father coaches when he makes up his mind to get out. Andrei tells him that Russia is the place for him, but he only knows about hockey, and sometimes, it seems to Vova, not even that.

Being gay in Russia gives him a poker face and a strong backbone, his mother's worry and a strong desire to leave this place too small to fit the man he might become.

He’s drafted high, for a Russian, high enough to know the NHL will welcome him with open arms whenever he’s ready to take that step. His father disagrees; Vova listens, like a dutiful son should, and bides his time.

He outgrows his father’s team and his mother’s house; he’s traded to St. Petersburg and goes with no small amount of relief. The guilt he feels about that relief is something else, but what’s done is done.

A successful playoffs, at least individually, banishes the last of his doubt. He is a person separate from his father, better than his father, and nothing in the world can hold him to this country he no longer wants to be in. He loves and hates it the same way it loves and hates him; it’s a bad relationship, and the only way to make it better is to go.

The lockout comes right as he’s finalizing his plans. Perhaps some would take this as a sign, but he’s not one of them. His feet are on the ground and his head is on his shoulders; superstition has no place in him, only hockey, only striving to be the best he can be.

The lockout ends. There’s nothing to stop him. He hugs his father, kisses his mother, and doesn’t look back.

St. Louis is hotter than he’d expected in fall and spring; winters feel strangely dry.

North Americans are weirdly attached to their nicknames, but he can live with that. It’s when they try to give him one that he digs his edges in and stops short. They can call him Vova; nicknames are juvenile.

Besides, the world has - and has always had - enough war. He doesn’t need to hear how lightly his teammates take it.

He doesn’t bother saying it publicly, doesn’t worry what the fans call him, until several years later. Coincidentally, this is also when two things happen: first, he signs a contract extension that will keep him in St. Louis for many years to come; second, there are three new faces on the opening-night roster, and one of them is named Colton Parayko.

He’s had many years of pretending not to look at men in which to figure out what he likes; Colton is just his type. Maybe that’s why Vova doesn’t invite him to his extra practices. Or, at least, until Colton almost bodily volunteers himself one day, after several years of this foolishness. Suddenly Vova finds that he rarely asks for anyone else; sometimes he wonders why he was so worried.

They get along well on the ice, which only makes it easier to ask him to lunch, which leads to spending more time together at the rink and on gamedays. This is why Vova settles next to Colton on Pride Night, so early that no-one else has arrived; definitely not for any other reason.

Except, possibly, that he might be developing feelings.

When he offers to cut Colton’s sticks, there’s surprise that Vova knows how he likes them, as though Vova doesn’t try to know all these things about him. Still, he cuts them; the way Colton speaks about it, he might as well have placed the moon in the sky.

Colton hasn’t taped his warmup stick yet, and Vova puts pride tape in his hands before he can even ask. He keeps glancing Vova’s way as he tapes; he’s nothing if not easy to read. This is one of the things Vova appreciates about him: he’s honest.

But Vova has never been honest about this. He’s never told anyone about himself, never trusted anyone enough. He’s never even pretended to be someone else for a night, to hide in the dark and lose himself in the body of an anonymous stranger.

This man, he trusts.

He asks about Pride Night first, to test the waters, and Colton seems uncomfortable at first, but he looks at Vova with his honest face and says he’s in full support. When he returns the question, Vova is more than ready to finally answer.

“Is much easier here than in Russia,” he says, almost too quiet, and thinks he can see the understanding breaking across Colton’s face.

Weeks later, Vova invites Colton to his house, where he’s never hosted one lone teammate, let alone one he has feelings for, one he wants something more with, yet here he is, and here’s Colton, ringing the doorbell with a bottle of half-decent vodka in one large hand.

They watch tape. It’s unbearably normal. Until Vova opens his mouth and out comes a bad pickup line. He stares at the screen, trying not to hate himself- and then Colton touches his shoulder with a quiet “Oh.”

“Oh?” Vova asks, trying desperately to shove down the hope that’s rising up impossibly bright and painful in his chest.

“Yeah,” Colton says, and kisses Vova until he remembers how to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> -Title from "When the Saints Go Marching In"; sometimes it's sung as "I want to be in that number". This piece, with the title changed from "Saints" to "Blues", is the organ piece that's played as part of their goal song. They're the only team who still use the organ for this instead of solely contemporary music, and I really hope they keep doing it because it really fits their aesthetic.  
> \- Lots of research for this one. All the stuff about Andrei is true, including his position, the teams, the league(s), his attitude about his son leaving Russia, and the fact that he was the head coach of Novosibirsk starting around the same time as Vladimir started playing for them.  
> \- I theorized that the Tarasenkos might not have all moved to Kazakhstan when Andrei played for Satvaev; there's a lot of tension between the two countries stemming back to USSR days, to the point where Kazakhstan declared they want to switch alphabets (from Cyrillic to Latin) on official government documents starting by 2025, so I wasn't sure if there'd be schooling options available for Russian-speakers in that particular area.  
> \- 16th overall would be considered a high draft position for a Russian at the time, sort of. This is because Russian players are the least likely to move their careers to North America; many prefer to stay in the KHL. This means it doesn't always make sense for a team to spend a high draft pick on someone they may never actually get.  
> \- Tarasenko on nicknames is [real.](https://www.stltoday.com/sports/hockey/professional/morning-skate/tarasenko-would-prefer-you-just-call-him-by-his-name/article_0a387d3c-e25c-567e-a272-7cd8f2d756e2.html)


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